Do I Look Fat Responses Before the Divorce

From an email:

Not to Stevie Wonder.

Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend.

No way! You look least fat in that outfit!

I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'

No hablo ingles.

Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out.

No, but taking it off sure does.

Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make.

Not if you were travelling at the speed of light.

Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity.

Let me jog around to your front and take a look.

Whoa! A talking couch!!

May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?